If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.