I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.