i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.