i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
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People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Need this in my life lol
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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)