I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
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[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Catering service
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.