Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
kitchen magnet
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka