Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
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Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.