I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
You Might Also Like
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.