Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
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Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*