[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
You Might Also Like
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.