Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
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It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Science memes
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8