Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
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imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.