To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
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I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Poetry is my passion
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
the simulation is moving too fast
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn