Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Who knew!
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.