Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
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*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
this is the greatest thing ever
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead