Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You鈥檙e out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I need better friends
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 馃槀
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you鈥檙e here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
BEACH BOYS: 馃幎 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 馃
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…馃悎馃悎
#TuesdayMotivaton
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it鈥檚 a gummie bear.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don鈥檛 say she has a big head.
Don鈥檛 say she has a big head.Me: At least you don鈥檛 have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
8yo: daddy what鈥檚 your best talent?
me: hmm I don鈥檛 know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that鈥檚 not it
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I think one of the main reasons I don鈥檛 believe in reincarnation is because I don鈥檛 like the idea that I鈥檝e done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year鈥檚 resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!