Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party