I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
You Might Also Like
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Ugh
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
2022 will be better than 2021
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.