Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
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Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Happy Febuary everyone!