All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.