Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
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I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.