HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
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Software Development ⛵️
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.