some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
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a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
secret recipe
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*