Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
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There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Breaking news:
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”