I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
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[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
This took me a second..
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The pasta is now
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.