The pasta is now
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER