my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
R.I.P.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*