You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness