“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.