[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
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“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby