The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
is this how new cars are made??
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Plant care tips
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.