[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
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That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.