When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
You Might Also Like
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I love the honesty
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
We need to put an American base on the sun
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.