Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
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WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.