I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
me opening up to someone
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.