DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
$3 #books
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
reminder
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.