reminder
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.