DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
two people or more is called a problem
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees