Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
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Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Can. I. Help. You.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.