a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
This probably isn’t good
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.