Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
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[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Finally! 😈