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If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.