*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
SPLOOT
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*