Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
how was your vacation
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?