Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract