I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
You Might Also Like
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I don’t know what to do
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.