me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Catering service
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”