[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
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Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Has science gone too far?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
🌱🌱🌱
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club