This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
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Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.