holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo