I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
What number SPF blocks people?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..