Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
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(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear